If I were a color...
I think I would be shades of grey
If I were shades of grey
I wonder if I would be mostly white,
like my luminescent skin
like my curls.
Even though I'm shades of grey
I still have a dash of red where my mouth should be
and I still have deep purple and velvety black-ish blue
surging up from inside me--
if they erupt, then I will not be grey anymore--
I will be a rainbow trout,
a peacock's tail,
a chameleon running through a paint store...
Today I want to be funny, but I am not.
Today is one of the days on which I realize how fucking fantastic I really am.
Today I think about growing old with--
Tomorrow is when I'll do all my chores, all my homework.
Today I live.
...and attempt to be less focused on finding myself and more focused on giving myself.
I have a funny story for you.
It's horrible, actually.
So last week during my stay with hubby for his business trip,
I texted him one day with an urgent request for his presence.
"Do you have time for a nooner?" I queried.
He did indeed.
So we did.
And I have been known to possibly make a smallish amount of noise during the act and particularly during the climactic moments.
(yes, we're pretending to be all prudish. go with it.)
So then hubby goes back to work.
There are workmen in the hallways because of the renovations.
They did not know that we checked in together and had both been there all week.
They only saw me coming and going from the gym and hubby coming and...cumming.
ok, so they didn't SEE him cumming, but they heard me, so that's close enough.
When hubby went to the desk to check out, he learned that the workmen had decided I was a PROSTITUTE and had told the front desk about it!!!!!!!!
I was literally aghast and giggling.
Oh yeah, I guess I had also taken care of some business by myself either the day before or the day after with the accompanying soundtrack, and that contributed to their assumption.
Speaking of objectification of women...
I can never quite figure out where I stand on that issue.
I think the hotter I feel, the less it bothers me.
the fatter I feel, the more it infuriates me.
They should be objectifying ME, goddammit!!!
I'm like, super mega delux Crazy.
The kids are sick but otherwise all is well.
Little Oliver has been pretending he can't walk for 2 days...
I snapped him out of it in the first hour I was back.
I do NOT know what that was all about, but I'm guessing he wanted attention and/or to stay home from school, and Grandma didn't know what else to do but let him.
Bless her crazy heart.
Oh well, worked out ok, I guess.
Nutty little boy!!!
It was a good trip.
I find myself unable to write.
There is too much to say, which can't be said.
How do I solve this puzzle?
I am trapped in a Labyrinth, but I have a poor sense of direction.
the sink in my hotel room
Better shots to come
I took some cooler shots of it on my real camera, but I didn't bring the cable to upload the pictures.
It's way cooler than it looks, I promise.
I think the joystick is a weird way to turn on the water, but the best part is the little waterfall that happens every time...
I'm a child, so what?
for more information about my trip so far, please see the comment I left below.
I will retrieve it and post it here as soon as I can, but right now it's being pissy.
Here it is:
The flight went well, we got our rental car and found the hotel quite easily. The building is pretty, the room is pretty, but...they are under renovations and it is apparent that they were not so lovely before...AND....there was a sign posted by the elevator in the parking garage stating that there are chemicals in the building known to cause tumors and harm to reproductive organs!!! I'll take a picture of it...So was it a coincidence that after our (amazing and delicious) dinner, as soon as we returned to the hotel my PERIOD started? And then I woke up this morning with a goddamned UTI???? Mother fuckers. So...dear sweetest hubby went to the store for icky girlie items and over-the-counter UTI remedies. Here's hoping.
And did I mention it's in the 60s here? Might sound cold to you SoCal-ers, but it feels marvelous to me! It's been below freezing for weeks in Utah.
...and now I'm off to California.
Mr. husband has 3 weeks in a row of business trips, so I'm going to tag along this week.
We'll be in the Bay Area, and I'm already planning a rendez-vous with one of my longest known co-bloggers.
I am SO excited to be meeting her!!
I will not lie: I kinda wish it was just the two of us, so we could good-n-girl talk, but my husband is a wonderful conversationalist and we'll have a grand ole time, I'm sure.
Other than that, I'm planning on holing up in the (rather lovely) room with a borrowed laptop and a GIANT stack of books.
Time to get serious about being a writer.
And what's better than a week in a hotel with nothing to do but read and write, then have dinner and lazy/sexy evenings with the greatest love I've ever known?
I'm such a lucky star that I might have to wish on myself!
...which sounds deliciously masturbatory, so I'll take it!
Speaking of reading...
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I've been having trouble reading for the past year.
Not, like, losing my ability to comprehend or whatever, but losing my ability to FINISH a book.
Previously, I was one of those "devour a large book in 2 days" types.
A feverish and insatiable reader I was.
But round abouts a year ago, I began leaving good books unfinished.
I've accumulated 6 or 7 in that category so far, and it leaves me rather shaky.
I don't know how to not finish books.
It feels....ragged, unresolved.
So I'm taking a few of those along, as well as a couple of new ones with dashing good looks in the style department.
I'm also taking a few "how to be a writer" books, cuz...even though I know, I don't really know, ya know?
i.e., I could always stand to learn a bit more.
A lot more, frankly.
And today makes 5 days in a row of great workouts.
This is the first week in over a year that I've been able to say that.
Most of the last 50 or 60 weeks I've gone at least once and 90% of those were probably more like 2 or 3 times, but that's just not good enough.
I love muscle memory, and the way I tone back up so quickly.
I love my chiropractor for gently and almost unknowingly reminding me to
FOCUS ON LOWER ABS, DUMASS.
I mean...if it's hard to do something, chances are you should do MORE of it and not LESS.
(the part of "DUMBASS" played by Lisa)
So Dr. Crack-yer-back-ter suggested I do some lower ab exercises to help strength the muscles in my lower back, which is where I've been having pain.
And it was like all the light bulbs in an entire lighting store going on at once.
...my vision is still kinda screwed up from that whole affair, but it was worth it.
Bowling with lesbians!
And another mother of twins.
My favorite lesbian, by the way.
The girl that could turn me in a heartbeat if turning were in the cards for me.
She is an amazing woman in just about every way, and purdy, to boot!
I hear she has even better tits than me, too.
(yes, I'm humoring you dear dirty boys out there with that last line. You're welcome.)
Ok, and now I must do the most important thing: spend some quality time with my step son.
He's very important to me.
(this has nothing to do with the new characters we started together on WoW last night...new race...new powers...new quests....fuck you guys, I'm logging in!)
So who's up for pretending that last post never happened?
I have a fun one for you today, and maybe we'll get into that whole ball of earwax another time.
I pinky swear.
Here's the rundown of my day so far:
9:30 friend arrives at gym
9:32 we giggle and dash off to her house to sit in the hot tub!!!tick
12:30 head to Wingers for some superbly unhealthy food, only to discover it is $2 draft day!!!!!
And the waiter was kind enough to recommend an apricot hefeweizen...
oh, yes...oh, lords-a-mercy YES!
So we ate and talked and ate and talked.
We drank and spilled secrets--which is much better than spilling beer, I mean, christ, what do you take me for?? Some kind of MONSTER???
Talk about a perfect day, man.
Hell, I even got to make a punctuation correction on the "Specials" markerboard on the way into the joint.
"Try our new combo's"....your new combo's what
Does your combo have a new flavor, size, hairstyle??
Apostrophes are for possesion and contractions, muthafuckas!
I have figured out why there is such confusion in situations like that, though.
If you wrote "combination platters," then you wouldn't think twice about that apostrophe, but because "combo" is an abbreviation/made up word, the ending of it seems like a total wild card.
I myself am tempted to add apostrophes to the plural form of words which are either made up or slangily truncated.
(I totally fucking get to make anything I want into an adverb, too, so back off.)
Grammar Tips Wednesday.
And...Ok, I'm not really going to get into the drama, but needless to say some shit went down, rather calmly, all things considered.
We are more in love than ever (literally) and my life is secure again.
I will be taking this semester off (which sounds way more smooooth than "dropping out of school," don't you think?)
Because it's time for me to start living the dream instead of preparing for the dream by HIDING FROM IT.
No more putting off this whole "being a writer" thing.
I am one.
So let's get the fucking party started!!!
I have goals and schedules and timelines and....
I am really excited.
I just have to drop my classes...today's the deadline for that.
I am excited for that.
Just...sort of sad, too.
I loved being able to say "I go to the U (the nickname of my school...which beats the hell out of 'the Y' which is what the dorkwads call BYU. Fuckers. Don't they know that term is reserved for the YMCA, which is lots of fun to spell with your arms...) and write for their newspaper."
I plan to still write for them, if they'll let me, and incidentally, I'm not actually dropping out of school.
I will be back next fall because I do still value a degree.
It's just too much right now.
I need to be doing something that has palpable results.
Sorry, had a flashback.
And no, nothing kinky happened.
Unless you count the fact that my nipples were rock hard the entire time due to the 10 degree weather outside...
I am not sure I'm really back yet, but I had a post inside me and it was giving me splinters...
So there ya go.
I love you guys.
It's weird, I can't stay away from this place no matter how bad things get.
What the hell is that all about???
The two worst events of my life happened on the 12th of the month.
I think that'll have to become MY unlucky number.
13 was always lucky for me, anyway, and now 12 is blowing chunks, so: fuck you 12, you are officially EE-VILLE.
Happy day to you...
Well, this weekend turned out differently than I'd imagined.
Much, much differently.
I don't know how long I will actually be able to stay away from this passion of mine,
but I do know that I have nothing to say right now and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
I have gone and ruined my entire life.
I'll be as busy as all the king's horses and all the king's men trying to put it back together for the next little while.
I'm ok, but I don't have anything to say.
Some things, as it turns out, are not for public consumption.
I was going to post this morning
But then I didn't.
Could you tell?
Busy day, but good busy.
You just never know with me, eh?
I'm either bitching cuz I'm too busy,
happy to be busy,
or whining cuz I'm bored.
I'd'a had to smack me by now if I were you.
...if you do, just make sure it's on my ass, ok?
*licks lips* Thanks.
Had a great workout, a good chiro session, a yummy lunch, fun shopping and--
now it's time to dash off to my Friday afternoon class, and off to a play tonight.
I am really excited to see this play.
Poker and outdoor hotub (with an in-ground AWESOME fire pit) at our friends' house tomorrow night.
And hopefully some good WoW time during the day tomorrow!
If my wife wasn't such a BIIIITCH---
I don't have
Maybe I was just writing down what I just said to my husband, mocking him.
Cuz we were teasing each other.
We have this fun, fighty thing; sometimes throws people off.
And there are the times when we're actually fighting, and that's no fun for anyone.
Except the neighbors--they actually get to sleep through the night if we're not makin' sweet love down by the fire.
...cuz I'm LOUD in bed--get it?
get it, huh? get it?
Ok, so my day went well, as wished, so thank y'all very kindly.
I easily added the class I wanted,
and my affinity for it was proven to be warranted.
This professor rocks.
We are going to start off with Beowulf
and end with Paradise Lost
It's going to be hard and fun--
(ready? sing it--) Just like I like my sex!
Don't look now, but someone is overdosing on italics today...
After class, I had a few hours to kill before the appointment with my counselor.
So I did some errands and then.
I went to the car wash!
Doesn't sound that exciting does it?
But it was.
I drove in and the little garge doors closed to keep in the heat and...
I thought, "Hm...I could totally masturbate right now!"
So I did.
And my first thought when I finished was how sexily I would share the details with you fine fellas.
but now I'm not in the mood.
I watched a couple of episodes of Dexter (the Showtime orginal series...)
and now I need to hurry and start my reading for next class.
I think something else important happened today, but I can't remember.
So I have History of American civ and Literary History...
quite a historical semseter, mm?
I also managed to lose the sparkly thing out of my nose ring.
Good thing I have a whole pile of other ones.
I wish I may, I wish I might--
have this wish I wish tonight.
and I'm not telling you what it is, because then it won't come true.
I do not feel like the semester is starting.
I am ready for it, I think.
I love the way love feels as it swirls around in your chest, like a dust storm in the Sahara.
Speaking of dust and storms--
I love when it's really-fuckin-dry here in the summer and the rain comes so fast and so hard that it is a mud storm--
wind blowing around sand and loose earth, dried from so
And mud will splatter down on you from the sky above.
Or when the hail marches across a summer afternoon,
leaving lovely, toe-less footprints across the grass.
I love it when there is a warm day in the middle of winter,
and you feel for a moment that summer is here again.
It seems like autumn always feels like spring and spring feels like autumn...
I find myself so turned around by the lack of pattern to the weather here that I have been known to write about it with ferocious vigor.
I want to walk into my classroom tomorrow and be allowed to add the class I want.
And then, I want the universe to slip its strong hand down between whatever clouds there are tomorrow (cumulous? stratus? cirrus? maybe even nimbus) and tweak the nipples of my destiny.
Give me the right class.
Give me the right professor.
Let me fall in love with my chosen subject from an academic standpoint!
right now, I kinda hate it.
I still love reading thick volumes with large words,
I still love clattering across a keyboard, like a tap-dancer on crack...
Analyzing literature makes me focus on the fact that the word starts with "anal" and I don't know why but somehow that just chaps my ass.
I am beginning to find clarity again, to find my words--
they were stashed away under a heap of grey crap that takes up about 90% of my skull...
It's easy to write when one has a muse.
I have a busy week ahead...
Wednesday is going to be a great day:
8:30 gym with Donna,
10:30 & 11:00 interviews with director and actor,
immediately jump into writing the article which is due around 3.
Then head down to the U.C. (Utah County...trust me, it deserves a smart-ass nickname)
for my book group!
I'll be seeing some good friends that I haven't seen in at least a month.
They have been dearly
So there ya have it.
I love it when I get to talk to whoever's still out there.
And that's hubby's bedhead.
And that's hubby's bedhead.
I have a theory, of the conspiriatorial nature:
I think Blogger wanted to cut down on the amount of data storage space,
so they made logging in a pain in the ass.
Therefore, my lack of posting is blamed soundly on Them.
I love it when I can figure out how to shirk responsibility!!
Kids have had the pukes, consecutively, since Friday.
Kid #2 is insisting that he is still sick so that he can stay home from school, even though he's not.
Dad is now sick, Mom is about to be sick.
Wanna come over and play?
Meanwhile, classes start tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm taking.
I need to secure interviews today and I hope I can do so between taking care of other sick folk and being sick.
It was a great weekend, though.
Great party at a friend's house on Saturday, great hike/talks with a friend(s) on Sunday.
Great Danes bound.
Claire Danes astounds.
Eclairs are yummy...
WHAT? I'm on a diet.
Happy Monday to ya.
Someone crawled inside me and is fucking with the controls
But in a good way.
Or, I should clarify: earlier today...eh...less "good" and more "severely destructive to important relationships", but whatever.
It's all about the present, right??
It's just that I'm trying to figure out my schedule and I keep getting this warm little signal from my internal navigator that says maybe
what I need is (for the record I am wincing as I prepare to type this, ready to ward off your vehement opposition)
To go to work somewhere
I think it might make me feel human again.
I will still plan on going to school, at least a couple of classes
so I can keep writing for the paper...
for, as much as I hate it, I love it.
I'll keep you posted.
This may just be a bit of full moon madness that will pass from my system like beer through a clean liver.
In other news, I am slowly learning that romantic love is not the only pertinent kind of love, it is not the only legitimate kind of love.
I don't know what this means to you, but to me it is sort of like one of those obvious truths that you just never quite noticed before.
I've had some great workouts over the past couple of weeks.
This has had miraculous effects on me.
Tomorrow I see the chiropractor.
Yes, I'm a procrastinator/masturbator.
Hopefully he can fix my back.
As much fun as it is to have vaginal contractions every time I stretch my back...
I could do without the achiness.
Now that it's over...
I can safely say that I have just worked my way out of the deepest depression I've ever experienced.
That was fairly hellish, in case you're wondering...or hadn't noticed by my doomy-gloomy posts!
And I'm just so fucking glad to be here, to be me, to be alive, to be
among the wildflowers...
In a boat out at sea
Tom Petty just snuck in there--there must be a wormhole between my Windows Media Player and blogger...
I will probably never figure my life out completely, but I love trying.
I have truly been sucked into this Warcraft thing...
I can't believe I haven't posted in so long!
I am now level 16, however, so I guess that explains where all the time has gone.
This has been a really fanastic week, though, truly.
Lots of good family time, lots of good times with friends--
and remarkably good progress with the diet, considering the time of year it is.
Who starts a diet the day after Christmas??
Retarded-ass people like me, that's who!
We had a ragin' party last night and even saw some fireworks from the backyard.
We had so much food and
so much alcohol
and so much poker and
so much fun!
...and did I mention it was a good time?
There was also a lot of unintentional nudity and there could have been a game where we took pictures of every woman's breast and had the men choose which belonged to who.
Oddly, mine was the only one they all recognized!
They couldn't even name their own wives' pictures!
I am a little disturbed as to how that was possible, but whatever.
There was also a point when I joined the all-male poker game at which I called someone a "cocksucker."
Whoever it was (I don't even remember) feigned shock, and then I said, "Hey, at least I didn't pull out the 'cunt'!"
...meaning, "at least I didn't CALL you a cunt"....
but, as you can tell, it took on a bit of a different meaning....
Oh, I should mention it was a pajama party, so most of us were in pajamas.
None of us did the skank thing and wore lingere, in case you're wondering.
We're classy chicks.
We only take pictures of our boobs and ask everyone's husband to Name That Tit.
The night before that we made an impomptu run to Park City (over the moutain) to pierce D's nose!
It was so much fun.
The best part was when three of the state's brightest stars tumbled through the door of a sleek little tattoo shop, filled to overflowing with the very men you would imagine in any random tattoo shop in America and giggled and sparkled our way through the whole process.
It was quite interesting.
D told me I look exotic but I think she needs to get out more.
We gave B lots of great advice about her precarious awesome-boyfriend situation and now know that we were able to steer her onto the correct path and avert a disaster.
Which is the best part of being a friend.
And then we came back to my place with yummmy take-out and watched "Little Miss Sunshine" with hubby.
I am trying to finish wrapping my head around the upcoming semester.
I need to line up interviews for this week, for my first article of the semester, but it's not happening yet.
I can live with that.
I need to write some fiction.
I want to be dumped into some matrix in which the only choices for me are to healthy food that tastes delicious, to have sex with whoever I conjure from my own mind, and to read/write.
That's it, that's all I would be allowed to do.
No cleaning, no cooking, no meaningless crap to read, no one to talk to--oh...that would actually suck.
I have pointed my compass toward happiness and I think I'll continue following that path.
I have probably stagnated a bit in the personal growth department, but if I can hold on a little longer, I think I'll make it.
New Year's Eve marks the 9th anniversary of the consecration of my husband's and my relationship.
Ok, so it's the first time we "did it". wink wink.
We met the Tuesday before Christmas...I think the 22nd or something.
We saw each other 4 or 5 times over the next ten days.
I remember him coming in to the Denny's-style restaurant where I was working and ordering Eggs Benedict, then telling me that I was having a party.
His friend Zeke was one of my roommates, so he had told Zeke to have a party so he could see me again...
And then there was the party.
And I met a bunch of his friends, but I didn't remember most of them later.
And then it was NYE and we were at Derek's parents' house...in the hot tub he told me that he loved me, and in the guest room he made me scream.
Our friend Brian bought that house a couple of years ago.
That's their daughter's room now...she was born the same week we conceived the twinners.
Connected like a spider web, our lives are.
I thought we were so old--and not from a wisdom perspective, I mean I really felt like I had been out of high school for a LONG time.
I felt like life was slipping away and I was drowning and making the wrong decisions by mostly making no decisions.
And then there was this man--
who is 9 months younger than me and acts like a 12 year old half the time, but has always been a beacon.
He knew where he was going, and he knew how to get there.
I'm just glad he brought me along for the ride.
It's been a good year, in a lot of ways.
I got my first job as a writer,
I got my first job as a paid writer,
I went to Hawaii with my husband,
We went to Disney world with our kids,
I finished healing from the first broken heart I ever had by discovering the truth behind our ending,
I made it through losing a loved one and learned a lot in the process,
I watched joyfully as 2 of my dearest friends found the love of their respective lives,
I learned that wisdom really does come with age, and was honored to have useful advice for friends who sought it,
I discovered that I am loved very much by some pretty incredible people,
I think that's it.
It was a good year.
In this new year I will go home to Maine and get back in touch with my roots,
I will make some bold moves in my writing career,
I will make some wise investment choices,
I will get back into the gym habit,
I will focus my thoughts outward instead of constantly looking in,
I will meditate daily.
Happy New Year, kids.