Lucky, Lucky Star

Thursday, September 06, 2007

As Tom Petty once said...

It's time to move on, it's time to get goin'
what lies ahead I have no way of knowin'
but under my feet baby, grass is growin'
It's time to move on, it's time to get goin'.

Also, in the immortal words of the great Robert Plant--

Leaves are falling all around,
Its time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, Im much obliged
For such a pleasant stay.

But now its time for me to go,
The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain,
And with it pain,
And its headed my way.
Ah, sometimes I grow so tired,
But I know Ive got one thing I got to do,

Ramble on,
And nows the time, the time is now
To sing my song.

So, yeah.
I'm closing the door on the Housewife and the Star.
Lucky and Bored, though they may be, they are mantles I must shed.

If you want to find me, please send me an email.

luckystar AT cdadirect DOT com

Thanks for playin'--


Monday, August 06, 2007

7th row, baby!

The moment they took the stage I felt the thrill of witnessing one of rock's Legends shudder through my body.
I am not specifically a Rush Fan, but I enjoyed every second of their finely tuned and energetic performance.
You don't have to know their songs to feel the heat coming off the strings of that bass.
I recently read a book Neil Peart wrote about his bicycle trip through West Africa, so his was the most familiar face to me.
I couldn't shake the Ozzy Osbourne meets John Lennon look of Geddy himself, but it made him feel more familiar, which was cool.

I took a little self-portrait of Mr. and I, but the sun kepting jumping up and down behind us holding up rabbit ears, trying to ruin the shot.
Fucking SUN!

I darkened it up a bit because I think it's a cool shot of us anyway.

Two weeks from yesterday my classes will start.
One week later the kids start school.


Thursday, July 19, 2007

I knew I picked the name of this blog for a reason

I am one lucky little star.

I knew it was a mistake to start talking about my marital issues on here, and I waited a very long time to do it.
I waited until I thought we were at a final decision.
3 rounds of back-and-forth later, I have realized that nothing is final in life, and I'll stop trying to make each step the last.
We have turned a corner, had new insight, gained fresh resolve.
I have hope.
I don't want to jinx anything by saying too much, but we are on the mend.
I am going to stop blogging for a while, stop focusing inward for a while, and just see how this goes.
I have life to live, and a partner who is finally ready and willing to live a joyful life with me.
And I think it's time to make some changes in my routine.

I'm sure I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, thank you all so much for letting me see into your lives and for peering into mine.

hugs all around.


Thursday, July 12, 2007


Book group was lovely.
The forest fires are making the skies all grey; I hope they burn out soon--poor dear trees!!

Ok, I have just a minute before my friend arrives, but here are a few cool pictures from my trip--

Little boys who climbed every unstable rocky surface they could find:

A new bridge:

A fine example of the hilarious signage on the tortuous Maine roads:

...wait a second...we're going north and south at THE SAME TIME???

My light house, Owl's Head Light:

I lived in Owl's Head until I was 8, then moved a whole, entire TWO MILES away to South Thomaston for the duration of my youth.
My parents still live there and all of Owl's Head is swarmed with the extended family on my father's side (my Mom is a California Girl).
I asked my mom to see our geneology, but we never got around to it.
The gist is that my ancestors settled that cove in 1700 something.

Gotta run!
love you guys!


Sunday, July 08, 2007

The weather has taken a turn for the worse, but we're still having a great time.
There was a hail storm the other day, and for a minute I thought I was in Utah.
We've been on boats and to lighthouses and had seafood and fireworks and family fun OUT THE ASS--the ass, I tell ya!

I have been content to be away from everything, blog included.
There have been a couple of all-night conversations, culminating in a final decision.
We spent 5 hours in the car, drifting aimlessly.
We snaked our way through the night from the southern tip of Penobscot Bay to the northern edge and every road in between.
The fog held us in and the roads slipped away behind us as we hammered out the details of our new lives.
But it was like flipping a switch and suddenly--with nothing more to lose--we were able to speak freely, both of us.
It was unreal.
And then we came back to my parents' house and collapsed into the squishy double bed that feels like it's half the size of our king...
and he had reached the point in his mind and heart where he was willing to put it all behind us and start loving me again.

So here we are.
And the airline called on Friday to say that they had no pilot for our Sunday flight and we would be rescheduled to the Monday flight.
Yay for an extra day of vacation!!!

We caught up with some of my high school friends last night, one of whom I hadn't seen since we were IN high school!
We had a lovely time catching up on each other's lives and I am glad to see that the one girl isn't spending nearly as much time partying as she was the first couple of years she moved back here.
We went to the bar and it was weird to not run into anyone I knew.
There were a handful of men who graduated 2 or 3 years ahead of us, and one girl who is the younger sister of one of our friends, but that was it for recognizing people.
That mostly just makes me glad for the other people...

We are, as always, considering what it would take for us to be able to move here,
and, as always, I'm sure the plans will fade from our minds as soon as we return to the desert-in-the-mountains.

BBQ with my cousins today, then packing up for our late morning departure from the house (afternoon flight).
I think the kids are all ready to get back to their routine a little bit, but they've had so much fun here and have really behaved quite well.
It's their birthday next Saturday and then they have a week of day camp--mommy's REAL vacation!
I think I'll spend the entire day on the treadmill for the whole week...ugh...
stress makes me eat, and this has been a pretty damn stressful year.
So back off.

I have lost several cool poems in the cluttered folds of my grey matter, but maybe I'll retrieve them some day.


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Time is standing still, from where I stand

Can you see me?
As the world spins by?
I am getting dizzy in this foggy, swirling bubble of stasis...

I am having a wonderful time here in Maine.
The first few days were kind of hazy because of the anesthesia still in my system, the jet laggy affect of getting up at 4am for our flight and the way it all fit together feels like I stepped out of my Utah Life.
I feel like that Life is back there, waiting for me, on pause like a forgotten movie in the DVD player...
I want to stay here for a few more weeks, at least.
I want to spend 35 more days at the beach with my little princes.
I want to eat 12 more lobsters and 8 more donuts.
I want to form relationships with these people again--
my cousins, who were my big sisters from when I was born until I was 8, running around in the woods, building a treehouse, teaching me to ride my bike, playing game after game--board games, improv games, dance routines--and ice skating, sledding, and building snow forts.
I want to be close to these many McMahans, who are part of my heritage.
I want to have more than one evening with my best friends--those I've known since I was tiny.
I belong here.
Utah fucking blows.
I hate that stupid, plastic, shallow, easy place.
I want to see it from a distance, not be drowning in it...everything looks better from a distance.

The trip has been fun so far and there are lots of fun things on deck to fill the rest of the week.

We spent the morning on my brother's lobster boat today.
Learning about the process, watching, and trying to stay out of the way.
It's still early in the season so they were just setting out a small load of traps,
but I helped fill bait bags and they answered all our weird questions with grace.

I have lots of pictures, which I'll be posting as soon as I can get them uploaded.
This afternoon we are taking the kids on a helicopter ride above the bay.
The little guys are OBSESSED with airplanes and jets and helicopters.
It should be a memorable experience for them.
Tomorrow we're doing small town parade and a family bbq at the ocean (at MY beach!) and then watching the Transformers movie and going to the awesome small town fireworks.
I love this place.

I am going to go shower (I smell like dead fish!) and take a little nap.

I would say I miss you guys, but in my mind you're all just out there, frozen in place until I get back anyway....


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Vacationland, here I come!!

That's what Maine's license plate declares it to be, and for me it is, so why not?

Ok, this is just a "clear the air of icky posts" post, so let's see what I have in the vault...

here's a writing exercise I did a little while ago...not sure where I was going with it, but maybe you'll have some ideas--

“You’re trying too hard.”
She always said things like that in a tone of voice that got under her sister’s skin so smoothly it was like a sliver.
She didn’t want other people to notice her, she just wanted to fit in.

There weren’t many days when she really liked how she looked and then if there were boys around it was even worse.

The School was only for girls, but there was an all-boys school nearby and there were boys always in and out of their buildings, a new approach to the segregation thing—allowing open access in order to keep them from being too mysterious to each other and consequently causing urgent meetings in the dark of night. It worked. Sort of. There were still forbidden liaisons, but the overall student body seemed much more focused on their studies than they could have been.

It was on one of those dark nights—are there often very bright nights?—and during one of those forbidden liaisons that Sydney realized something very important about herself. It startled her, as the thought formed itself into clear words in the front of her mind. She was in the middle of pushing Brent’s hands away from her zipper for the third time that night and wondering if he was as good of a kisser as his roommate looked like he would be when she sat back from him and blinked hard. She couldn’t speak for a moment because the thought was shouting at her from within and she had to pay very close attention to make sure she understood. She had never even given consideration to this before, having been raised on the notion that she would live the same life as her mother, and all the other women in their posh, Belmont neighborhood. She smiled as the realization sunk in, and then a quick giggle burst out of her as the giddiness of this new truth became her sole focus. Brent looked at her strangely and probably said something, but she didn’t hear him. She was already miles away in her mind, and was walking away with her body. She wouldn’t be living the life of her mother and all her Country Club friends. She would rock their worlds. She broke into a run, laughing into the night, her legs, long and lean, propelled her forward.

The next morning Sydney sat in the mahogany and marble dining room playing with her food as her roommate rambled on. Her elation from last night’s great epiphany had receded to a dull glow, but she was still as determined as ever to make the changes necessary to follow this new path. She stood up while Heddie was still talking and dumped her nibbled-at food down the chute.


And here's another:

Night swimming. That summer was full of water, but most of our swimming was done at night. Days were for kayaking, and working. Nights were soft with humidity, holding the day’s heat like a sponge. I can almost feel the heaviness of the air, dense and warm, but with a ribbon of coolness. We didn’t know anyone with a sailboat that summer, but it didn’t matter. The ocean was more for looking at, anyway. It was like we knew we were going to be leaving again soon and the ocean was too big to become entirely known to us in just one summer, so we left it to play the role of the background, the setting. The lakes and streams were more tangible, more finite. We started with the one running down Mt. Battie and worked our way through the rest in an unplanned pattern—Mirror Lake, then Megunticook, the Keag River, then Chickawaukee. No rhyme, no reason. But somehow we covered them all. Our almost-matching Subarus ending the summer with almost-matching scratches from so much loading and unloading of our not-even-remotely-matching kayaks. We embarked on that summer as friends, and wended our way toward a deeper connection.

I'll be posting soon, from Maine.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

She lives!!

Was there ever any doubt?
The procedure thingy went well, but last night was kind of a bitch.
I spent the ENTIRE night sitting on the toilet, peeing every 3-4 minutes.
Every time I stood up I was in pain, and lying in my bed made it hurt--and made me need to pee worse!
I tried eating something around 2 am, but that didn't exactly work out.
I puked it right back up, which was probaby a good thing, since it was ice cream.
My throat was (and still is) killing me.
It felt so good going down, and not that bad coming up.
Heh.'s your dinner...?
I have no filter, what can I say?

So finally around 4:30 I was able to lie in bed comfortably for long enough to doze off for 30 minutes or so at a time, waking to pee.
I am truly the Pee Queen...
which is way less sexy than the Princess and the Pea, but somehow I manage!

I am now feeling much more like myself and I think I owe Perc0cet dinner.
(even if it didn't put out until the 4th dose. What the fuck??)

Ok, I'm kind of a rambling, incoherant(er than usual) mess, so I think I'm going to go make lists of what to take on the grand Maine Adventure!!
Oh, and to answer Orange's question: no, I will not be going cold turkey on the blogging while I'm gone.
I never do, so why start now?
I can't believe I just wrote a smiley face in a post...
oh well.
The point is, I'm sure I'll be popping in for updates now and then, and it's only ten days so you'll hardly even miss me!

Also, I love my husband dearly and I hope this trip brings us back together.
I want us both to be happy, preferably together.

I am glad I've aired my dirty laundry, but I wish I had waited until things were better resolved to do so.

Catch ya later, alligators!


Monday, June 25, 2007

I'm off to see the wizard--

Or is that Wizzer...?
Like...a doctor of wizz, wizz being pee...
I'm sooooo funny.

Today is the day for the procedures, is what I'm saying.
They'll be poking and prodding my insides for a couple of hours so who could really ask for more??
I'm sure it'll all go just swimmingly (another urology metaphor??) and I'll tell you all the gory details tomorrow.
Or at least recount the groovy hallucinations I have from the anesthesia.
Woo hooooo!
So far all I have is: I ate a raspberry by mistake while I was out in the garden...

All is well on the home front at the moment.

Leaving for Maine in 3 days.

Hugs and kisses to you all--


Friday, June 22, 2007

Here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note--

Only, less song, more story.
It's the one I submitted for the Iron Pen 24-hour writing competition.
If I win, I get to read it in front of an audience.
I doubt I'll win.
I wrote it in about 30 minutes and didn't even edit it before printing it and rushing to turn it in...
Hey, I'm a minimalist, what can I say?

Bee Charmer

I don’t know why I told them I was a bee charmer. I have always hated putting on airs and tend to wear them like a child in her father’s Sunday shoes. But the truth was, whenever a stinging creature got in the house, I could let it walk onto my outstretched hand and carry it outside. I never got stung by them. I liked to think it was because they could sense how much I wanted to fly, but it was probably because I used soft movements and didn’t bear pollen. But I did—I told them I was a bee charmer, and so that is how we ended up in the clearing on that thickly hot day.

We ran at first—through the woods behind my house, over moss carpeted rocks and under low-hanging pine branches. The ferns tickled our bare ankles and calves, and we were exhilarated for a few moments. But then the heat found us, slipping down through the shadows of the trees and winding around our chests, creeping up our necks. We slowed to a jog, then a walk, all of us panting. The clearing was still far off, much closer to Rt. 73, which paced the river on its race to the ocean than to Westbrook Street where my house was. We pressed forward, through trees and brush that kept stacking up in front of us, blocking the way.

We didn’t talk much as we walked, and the mantle of a Dare settled over us. It hadn’t been issued as a dare, but I knew that if I was able to reach into that beehive and retrieve a golden, dripping honeycomb, I would be respected and admired like no other. I would be the queen of this little hive of bees in my neighborhood.
When we burst out of the darkness of the forest, the sun was blinding and we tripped over each other as we found our pace again. We walked to the giant tree at the far end of that wide, smooth field. It was remarkably unhilly, for such a rolling, rambling place as this, and the flatness made the tree seem larger. The buzzing grew as we approached, reaching out for us. The hive hung heavily from a branch I could almost reach, and the air hung heavily from the bottoms of the summer-scorched sky.

When we stood in the shadow of the tree I turned to face them.

“I am a bee charmer.”

They just looked at me, unimpressed, anxious about the possibility of getting stung. The tree’s trunk was wider than my stretched-out arms, and the lowest branch was too high to help me climb. I felt a thrill of getting-out-of-it, but then one of the older boys offered me a leg up. His ragged red hair and his scrawny arms gave him the look of a lost scare crow, as he stumbled toward manhood. I shrugged and stepped up, onto his offered thigh.

They all held their breath as I pressed my fingers into the opening on the large grayish mass. The buzzing was muffled with my hand there and the silence was as heavy as the heat.

I was chanting to myself, “The bees love me, the bees love me,” and when I felt my fingers curl around a section of honeycomb, I pulled it loose, withdrew my arm and leapt off the boy’s leg in one fluid moment. I was running for the forest again before the other kids even blinked.

Most of them got at least one sting, but I got none. The honey was sweeter and stickier than any other honey I’d ever seen. I licked every drop of it from the crooked section of comb and placed the empty piece in my window to dry.
I was right. I am a bee charmer.

Good night, sweet ones!