Lucky, Lucky Star

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Making bread

Making bread


Monday, February 26, 2007

Something is stirring in me...

And it's not a spoon, people!!!
that feeling of spring's impending arrival--
the awakening of the places that are made for growth and renewal and
I want moss to purr across my rock hard thighs
and ferns to brush across my shoulders and
vines to wend their way across my back and down my arms, tendrils of their verdant progression dripping off my fingers.
I want to be alive!!! am, I guess.
And I feel it.
I am also an addict.
No, not World of Warcraft, really is a rush...
Much more shameful and much less healthy (although, to be fair...sitting in a chair for hours on end wouldn't be very healthy either; good thing I'm hitting the gym nice n' regl'ar like...).
Not a video game, not an illegal substance.
Not alcohol, not sex (well, maybe that too, but that's another story for another day. Or not.).
After reading about the patterns of and the emotions surrounding the heroin/coke addictions of Senor Kiedis,
I had a startling realization--
I am addicted to sugar.
I am compelled to eat dessert.
I often don't even WANT it, but I feel that I MUST eat it.
I think to myself, "Don't have another doughnut, Lisa." Or, "You know you will hate yourself if you have more cake!" But it doesn't deter me.
I guess this is a rather silly comparison, but did I ever tell you about my compulsion for making certain sound combinations?
I did.
I know I did.
But it freaks with my head sometimes.

The real reason I'm here right now is that I am ready to go back to Bored Housewife
I miss that place, I miss that spring in my step, I miss those nipples poking your eye out!
I think I need to go there if I'm going to recapture the essence of
But maybe not.
Maybe it's gone.
Maybe I used it all up.
Maybe I've been running on fumes of the essence of me for so long that they're gone, too.
And now, I am just a person, not an artist.
I'll keep ya posted on the site location.
This may just be me, talkin' crazy talk.
All hopped up on Red Hot Chili Peppers and Scar Tissue.
That book is one effective marketing tool, I tell ya what--
I have purchased 3 CDs of theirs since I bought it and I almost joined their fan club but then I remembered I'm not a 13 year old girl (I am, however, possessed by a 13 year old boy at times; and a Dirty Old Man at others, but how is any of that relevant??)

Ok, my siren is calling.
My dranei is now a level 16 mage.
And she is sex-ay.
good night geek haters!


Friday, February 23, 2007

I am

Or maybe I'm not, I can never quite tell.

Today was a snowy day, and I took full advantage:
I snuggled in bed and read for a while,
talked to my Mom on the phone for an hour (as usual),
made brownies (yes, again),
then I shoveled the driveway,
then I built a surprisingly aesthetically pleasing snowman with the kids.
And now I'm considering a shower...
But only because I have guests arriving in a few hours.
We're having a movie night which was supposed to be my two (world's awesomest) brothers, and the two married daughters of one of them, but they are mostly located about 45 mintues away and they thought it would continue snowing all day.
I'm not sure who's still coming besides my neices/nephews-in-law (is that even a real thing??) but we'll have a great time!

I bought a couple of toys today.
And some delicious cologne for my delicious husband.
When we first started dating he mentioned his distaste for such things, so I've never bothered to get him any, but he is willing and I found one I loooove.
The toys?
Wouldn't YOU like to know!
We already have an entire suitcase full of them, but both of our vibrating pieces stopped working this week
(possible overuse...?)
so we needed replacements and we have this new thing we've been working on that we decided would be facilitated by a g-spot stimulating vibrator.
I may or may not let you know how that turns out.
Cuz there's this other trick we've been working on that makes a vibrator a very useful tool.
Oh, don't you wish I wasn't being so coy??
I wish I felt like returning to my days of Fantasy Fridays and Braless Tuesdays,
but I don't.
And if this blog (in either of its incarnations) has ever been ABOUT anything,
it's been about the Truth of Me, at whatever moment my fingers touch the keyboard.
So, the Truth of Me at this moment is not to share my fantasies with the world,
nor even to indulge in any.
I discovered that they are very dangerous for me.
I am not saying that anyone else's are dangerous for them, but for me it's not safe.
Wanting is like heroin for me.
I love wanting and when I want, I simply must have.

I am planning on having a lovely weekend.
I hope you do the same.


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Time for another incarnation of--

I'm not sure what this one will be, but I think I am ready to wear a new version of the old
I was so low last month that my chin was scraping along the rocks of rock bottom.
But sometimes you have to die to be born again, so here I am.
And still wondering who I'll be tomorrow,
still wondering why I deserve such luck.

I am reading a book...
and I find myself so caught up in it,
that it's like I'm living it.
It's an autobiography.
As I drove through the winter-pretending-to-be-spring sunshine today, the sky a softer blue than usual, and the mountains still stark white in their sharpness, here is what I said to its author:
What an odd sensation to be immersed in your life, so different from mine that night and day look like clones.
I feel like I am wrapped in a silk sheet of you, the sandpaper of your soul spiralling around my own, leaving marks like asphault on knees.
Your life is now dancing across me the way that your music always has.
You sexy, poet of the flesh, Anthony Kiedis!
I love the way you love.
I want your dreams in white powder to float up my nose and charge through my veins.
As I maneuver the passages of this monstrous castle of words,
some of them are not yours.
They stand out like white hot flames in a black night.
Your story flows and surges,
but words sporadically appear that feel as though they are badly dubbed
(not trite substitutions like "keyhole" for "asshole")
but it is as if we sit in a shadowy bar,
smoke settling in layers above us
(indoor clouds)
and your mouth is still moving, but your voice falls silent and in its place some Poindexter or Hippie or Editor fills the silence with a voice too eager, too careful.
I love your book, Anthony Kiedis,
you gorgeous creature,
you marveled-at creation,
you dazzling creator!
You are an imperfect god,
a fallen angel,
a man.

Scar Tissue.
We've all got some.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tuesdays used to be so much cooler than this...

Remember the good ole days?
I do.
I remember them fondly.

See, I'm a housewife again.
A true blue housewife.
I have a routine, and it is nice.
I am reading for pleasure again and that is so far beyond nice that I can hardly sit still!
I may just figure out what to write a novel about, some day soon.
That'd be swell.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't.
No news is good news, though, so there's that.

I'm trying to decide the order in which to do the following:
1. mop the floor
2. shower
3. make rocky road brownies

It's a rough life, I know.
And mostly I'm looking forward to 3:05, when my kids tumble into the house and their coats, shoes, socks, and backpacks erupt across the entire foyer.
I really am--that sounded like a smartass complaint, but I really can't wait for them to get here.
We're going to watch the entire Napolean Dynamite...
they started watching it the other day while I was showering, and I could hear them laughing over the running water.
They were DYING.
And then last night they couldn't sleep and they came into our room to "get a drink" (read: waste some time) and Oliver sat down on the edge of the bed and recited the tot scene perfectly!
Nathan Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite No, go find your own!
Nathan Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
Nathan [kicks the tots]
Napoleon Dynamite Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot

I almost hurt myself from laughing at his rendition.
So, I think it's a totally important thing for me to snuggle up with them and watch the whole movie while eating freshly baked brownies.
Don't you?


Friday, February 16, 2007

All hopped up on coffee and edamame

I got so much done today!!
It was, like, totally tubular.
...make that legume-ular.
I'm such a dork.
I cleaned 3 of the 4 bathrooms in my house, organized a couple of cabinets,
emptied trash, did laundry--
I was in the mood to be a housewife, basically.
It happens from time to time.
No one really knows why.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Cupid is as cupid does.

Or something.

I smell like sausage.
And it is making me nauseous.
The little ones love sausage.
And the stench of it hangs on me for hours.
I love eating bacon, but I gag over the smell of its cooking process clinging to my hair and skin and clothes.
I am a carnivore to the core, but the smell of these meats cooking is just not my thing.

Aren't you glad you came here to read about nausea and MEAT???
I'm really slipping.
I think I can almost remember a time when I was an interesting and interested blogger.
Now I am the poster child for apathy.
The spokes model for the "I don't give a shit" campaign.
And I'm sick of looking for reasons for everything so I'm not going to ponder this.

I did, however, get what should have been a frickin' awesome plasma ball for my kids for a Valentine's Day present, and it was JUNK.
It must have been the one everyone had tried out, cuz it had STICKY finger prints all over it and other unidentifiable substances.
It did not work the way they are supposed to.
The box said it should be voice activated as well as touch, and no, it wasn't.
The picture showed many little fingers of electric light stretching from the center of the ball to the glass surface, and when turned on there were no fingers.
(just finger prints)
If you touched the glass (frightening thought though it was), you could get the light to attach to your finger.
So much for giving my kids the
Oh well.

I have some fun stuff planned for Mr. Husband, and that's the important part.
I can't say just yet, in case he reads here, but I'll tell you all about it if/when I feel like it.
Let's just say that some of your comments were very inspirational.

I hope you each have fantastic days and nights and everything in between--


Monday, February 12, 2007

On the 9th day of Valentine's....

My true love gave to me--

I think I'll be his Valentine!
You can't really tell from this camera phone picture,
but the roses are red with darker red tiger/zebra stripes.
They are as unique and sexy as I am!
(or so he said...)
Yes, I'm awash in love and adoration.
I could get used to this...


Friday, February 09, 2007

Like a destiny to run from....

Or a spark in the dark--
wint-o-green lifesaver.
I love connections and concoctions and
where was I?

I love it when I'm a young tough girl in a push up bra, and I step
outside but not to brawl--
because that reminds me of hiking up my skirt a little more, so I can
show my world to you....
and what I really meant to say was
I love it when you lift up my skirt,
and I can feel your hand on my ass,
and your fingers trail forward
and slip between folds,
growing wetter
and I pant (pantiless)
and we surge together,
plunge together,

I'm pretty sure I will make my fortune with words like that...
strung together like a chain of paper, flipping in the breeze, blowing
up skirts and knocking off hats.

I want to exist in my own world,
I want to slip away into my own thoughts and have them all be of...
I want to slip into your thoughts and trip over stacks of notes you've
taken about me....
I want to write songs to and for and about and around and over and
under and WITH and because of--
each other.
I want to learn to play the piano again and have someone teach me how to sing...

Spring is here.
For the moment.
Very early, but very timely.
We had a much colder winter than usual, and it feels like summer to
have 50-60 degree weather.
I jumped on the trampoline with the kiddos this afternoon in the
sunshine and felt
My thoughts turned to Galen--
he helped assemble the tramp, and it sits just under his window, so
it's always been sort of connected to him for me.
The first thing Oliver said to me was, "When Galen said, 'I'm gonna
flip you,' he meant he was going to FLIP US OVER! And he did (on the tramp)." I
smiled and commented that he was a nice uncle, wasn't he? And Oliver
continued on, sensing the importance of this conversation, I just know
it. He said, "And remember we were too small to get on by ourselves
and he helped us?" I smiled and acquiesced, once again, and then he
said, "Or maybe it was you. Or Dad....but I'm pretty sure Galen helped
us." He knows. He feels that Galen is important and good. That makes
my heart jump like a couple of kids on a trampoline....

And today I made two cakes for the MIL's birthday dinner tomorrow.
According to the kiddos I made 9 cakes.
Which is true, but only 2 recipes.
One a simple yellow cake mix...with real butter...and it is somehow the spongiest yummiest delight!
I could eat it
I didn't pour it into a single pan, nor even two pans.
I poured half the batter into the 6 small hearts in my new (12 days of Valentine's) pan,
and the other half into a single-layer heart shaped cake pan.
This cake was the after thought--
the one for the kids who are squeamish and picky and will miss out on the luscious, real cake.
The German chocolate cake from scratch.
I know I've talked about this cake on here before, but it is just so damn delicious.
It is supposed to be done in 3 round layers, but I prefer it in two 9X13 pans.
So there ya go.
6 small cakes, 2 large, 1 medium.
NINE cakes.
My kids are so silly.
And then tomorrow I'll make the coconut/pecan filling which is the truly sinful part of the German Chocolate Cake, and I will make cheese stuffed shells.
Hopefully everyone will come...
this is a new venture for their family.

One of my sons has taken a rather disturbing interest in the Bible lately.
Ok, ok, it's not disturbing.
I kind of like it, I just hate the fact that I wasn't the one to introduce the concepts of religion into their lives.
I should have realized that someone *cough* MIL *cough* would do it for me if I didn't get around to it, but still.
Pisses me off.
Now I have to go and correct her misinformation.
WE believe that there are many possibilities and you may choose your own.
Oh well.
It's good for me.
He was so funny...I told him that there are children's Bibles with pictures and all the best stories, etc, and his little eyes lit up and he got all wistful and I said, "Do you want one...?"
He did.
He was surprised that I said we would go and get one in the morning (today).
Usually when they ask for "stuff" I tell them to remember it for their birthday or something.
So then he said, "It's good for kids to have their own Bible because then when their moms and dads are busy on their computer or doing the dishes or talking on the phone (eeeek! I'm busted!) they can just read their Bible while they wait for their mom or dad to be done."
It's a little unnerving to have your 6 year old say something like that.
Oh well.

In related news, aforementioned Mother-in-law (a.k.a. "MIL") has lost her mind.
What little of it there was left.
She is preparing, rather vigorously, for the Apocolypse.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and she feels fine.
She is not going to work any longer.
This may not sound alarming to some of you, but this woman is 58 and has ZERO savings.
She is currently renting our old house from us.
Suddenly, it's OUR problem.
One of the possibilities is for her to come live here, which I guess I could handle, if she adheres to some very strict guidelines, but I'm looking for other solutions.
I'll keep you posted...

In unrelated news, my mom is coming to visit us in April.
SHE is a dream.
Cheerful and helpful and considerate.
Ahem. I guess it is sort of related news...
*cough* opposites *cough*
Ok, ok, I'm just jinxing myself, here, I better stop!

Happy weekend to you all--


Thursday, February 08, 2007

Beautiful day, beautiful world--

I have phone interviews all morning, and I just realized that I had a dream recently where I was aghast to discover that I was writing such mundane things on my blog.
Apparently my subconcious would prefer a steady stream of poetry.
Or perhaps rants?
But that reminds me...
I spent some time at the book store yesterday and have realized that I, too, am a book addict.
I am a library addict, too, but this book buying thing is pretty damn cool, too.
I wanted to buy about 10 books yesterday--and I would have wanted more, but I forced myself to leave.
I was a good girl and only bought the two books I had intended to buy for part of my husband's Valentine's Day gift and one cook book for myself...
I HAD to buy it because it was put together so well.
I don't know if I'll like any of the recipes but the important thing is that it had photographs to go with each recipe--of the finished product as well as some of the steps of preparation! Whoa.
Not only that, but they had gone to the trouble of binding it in such a way that even though it looked to be bound like a standard hardcover book, the pages were actually bound in very small groups so that the pages would lie flat upon opening the book.
There is a whole series...I should buy them all...

So speaking of V-Day, if anyone's looking for Cupid, the fat little naked bugger has been hanging out at my house.
My darling husband has filled my heart so full of his love that I'm practically drowning.
Translation: I'm in bliss!
He's been doing this Twelve Days of Valentine's me a present and a letter every day.
The letters are the best part, of course, but the gifts have been extremely thoughtful.
So, I am plotting and planning my reply.
I was already planning to make this Valentine's Day a special one, but now the pressure's really on!
Just kidding...I don't feel pressured, just hopeful that I can make him feel as loved as I feel.

Ok, time to focus on interview preparations...
Happy Thursday, everyone!


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Oh what a day--

A haircut from the Magic Man,
during which we got to catch up on each other's lives,
after which he straightened my hair.
And then off to the (say it with disdain) mall.
My poor, dear friend who was laid off and is now working towards her dream job took a job at the 3stee L@uder counter at a department store in the interim.
She is way over qualified, even to be the manager as she is.
Today was the first day of Fr33 Gift day.
(sorry for all the funny spellings...just don't need that kinda traffic...ew...Plastics...)
the point is...
she did my makeup while I was there.
It is hard to tell in pictures, but it really was miraculous.
She made me look like....
I don't know what.
Like someone more beautiful than I planned on being.
I used flash for these photos and did not touch up anything, and therefore, I have a bit of a glare on my forehead.
But I swear it looks awesome in real life.

And, since I finally remembered to upload pictures from the camera,
here is one of the sink at that hotel last week.

Ok, enough.

So we had fun making me purdy today, for nothing!
I had a quick lunch with D and then we stopped by the heinous BYU in order for her to use the internet for a moment (long story) and we ran into my doppleganger.
A girl from far across the earth, another whole way of life, another era, with a different background and a very different future.
But yet...
I am drawn to her.
And we look the same(ish).
Very odd.
Maybe she can tame the surly beast that I could not.
Maybe it is untameable.
But anyway, it was fun to see her unexpectedly.
And then I scurried on home, my shopping bags full of luxurious items for my hair and skin.

I am waiting with held breath for the flu that everyone else has...
will it strike me next?

I am visited by ghosts...
ghosts of life, ghosts of dreams, ghosts of aching hearts and ghosts of unknown thoughts.

Yesterday, as my I cowered under the shadow of a deadline,
my doorbell rang.
Against my better judgment, I loped up the stairs and opened my door.
Adorable missionaries.
Angelically make-outable missionaries.
So I sighed and said, "I don't have time for this. I'm sorry. Have a good day."
But in the moment between the door opening and me finding the words I was lost in the infinite space between telling them everything--who I am, the path I've walked, the choices I am happy to have made, my current beliefs--and flipping them the bird.
I wanted to scream at them, to unleash all my fury on them.
I wanted to say, "I have a deadline, but if you'll come back in an hour, and make out with me, you can talk to me about joseph smith all you want!"
I wanted to moon them, flash them, spit on them.
I wanted to vomit on them, cook for them, take their pants off.
I was frozen.
It felt like a year passed, as I stood there deciding, letting my fear of having no article to turn in rock my rational thought into dust.

and then TODAY.
At the horrific mall, a guy was selling Mormon cartoon videos from one of those kiosks.
His pitch goes as follows, "Have you received your free Scripture video yet, ma'am?"
I kept walking, tossing a curt, "No," over my shoulder.
Unfortunately, I had to walk past him in my reentry to the store where my friend works.
He caught my eye, I don't know how.
Smiling, he asked if I had changed my mind.
"No. Not in ten years, nor will I," I said, returning his smile.
As I stroke past, "How about 11?"
I laughed. "No."
I wanted to kiss him.
Hmmm...I'm noticing a trend...
God is taunting me.
Making me feel attraction for these objects of my disgust.
Serves me right.

Dirty old man, indeed.

I am also going to the Mormon cannery tomorrow with a girl friend and a few of her (mormon) friends...
this is a couple of hours of volunteer time at the cannery in exchange for the right to purchase stuff.
...the gots some goood dried apples....and refried beans....
fuck me.
I should have gotten out of here while I still could!!!
I'm getting sucked in, aren't I?
As long as they let me:
1. s-a-y the FUCK word
2. fuck myself
3. watch R-rated movies
4. drink any/all alcohol that I choose
5. smoke stuff when/if I want to
6. watch porn
7. lie, cheat, steal, plunder, murder, rape, pillage.......


Monday, February 05, 2007

Curiously Strong Urge to Blog

Ok, not really.
I just have a half hour to kill between dropping kids off at school and meeting friend at the gym for a class.
I could have just gone to the gym, but at that point I would have had a whole extra hour.
And who really needs 2 whole hours of working out???
Oh, yeah, that's right: ME.
Oh well.
I didn't want to be burned out for the class and look like a whimp.
(yeah, i know! It's an awesome excuse, isn't it?)

So the great news is: I am still writing theatre for the paper.
It feels good.
Now maybe I can finish up that stupidass Independent Study course.
But also maybe not.

Tomorrow I get to have a haircut by the magical mystery man,
and then pop in to see two of my dearest friends while they work.
I haven't seen them in a while (about 3 weeks ago), so it'll be grand.
They both got new jobs since I saw them last and it'll be interesting to check them out.

I am seriously about as interesting as damp cardboard right now.
We had fun at our friends' Super Bowl party yesterday.
Hot tub at half-time, good food, etc.


Thursday, February 01, 2007

Gurgling around in the sink drain--

That's me.
Like the residue from 86.3 dirty dishes...
What I really meant to say was I'm vascillating between being busy and lazy.
It's the strangest phenomenon, actually.

So, before I dash off to get a couple of birthday presents for my kids to give the birthday boy tomorrow, I shall share with you two things I wrote in other mediums.

Known in blog world is a "meme", I give you--
a pass-along MySpace bulletin:

Damn and curse you, Jason!!
Putting my name on the last one was like a dare.
And I don't back down from a dare.
(Or a D.A.R.E. cop.)

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss.....
was full of love

2. I am listening to.....
the washing machine fill with water on the floor above me,
the furnace humming around the corning,
and...the voices in my head. Duh.

3. I talk.....

4. I love.....
too hard, too vastly.

5. My best friend.....
wishes I would be HER wife

6. My first real kiss.....
was so incredible--and took 3 weeks of hand-holding and nerves of gossamer to achieve!

8. I hate it when people ask.....
...can't think of anything...I don't mind being asked things, I guess.

9. Love is.....
what makes the world go round, baby!

10. Marriage is.....
Really hard, but really worth it

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking.....
about me. (yeah, I'm a narcissist, what's it to ya??)

12. I'll always.....
crave the ocean and soul quenching love

13. I have a crush.....
no, I don't. That's far too dangerous for me these days. Ha!

14. The last time I cried was because.....
I felt my world being gouged apart by my own actions.

15. My cell phone.....
is about to get replaced. Praise Jeebus.

16. When I wake up in the morning.....
My brain doesn't work for at least ten minutes. It's almost as if I'm brain damaged--I seriously can't even speak coherantly, and that's kind of a good thing, because DAMN I'm ornery!!!! And no, I don't drink coffee. I just naturally reach a normal level of blood sugar or serotonin or estrogen or crack or whatever...

17. Before I go to bed.....
I make sure all the doors are locked and there are clean clothes for my kiddos to wear to school, laid out so I don't have to try to find matching shirts and pants in the aforementioned haze of death.

18. Right now I am thinking about.....
How much I hate getting up in the morning. And how excited I am to go get in bed with my book. Orson Scott Card rocks my universe.

19. Babies are.....
the most amazing little science experiments EVER. Watching them develop is better than basic cable, man!

20. I get on myspace.....
and wonder why the fuck I still have an account here. Point.Less.

21. Today I.....
went to the gym via my anti-lock brakes and a sidewalk....ahem...and then proceeded to do Jack + Shit for most of the day. How do I do it??? When I have no deadlines, I get NOTHING done. Nothing. I seriously didn't do anything. At all. Oh, I took a bath with my little friend, but that doesn't count. Or does it? Well, whatever. That was the highlight of the day, I think. Oh, I also talked to a dear-and-delectable friend who I hardly ever see, so that was awesome. She is a ray of sunshine (and a half).

22. Tonight I will.....
Dream of my life lived by somebody else, in a world where quality of heart is more prized than skin-deep beauty and love is not contained and refrained and restrained and....sigh.

23. Tomorrow it will be....

24. I really want to be.....
The center of the universe

25. Someone that will most likely repost this is.....

(I do expect everyone to play along and redo this on their respective sites. Thank you. Please drive around.)


and a little piece of fiction/poetry/whatever that crap is that comes out of my head sometimes:

I should have known it would happen. Too many songs about wings flying constantly through my head, my heart, and too many poems about flying, winging around on my keyboard.
It started one morning at the chiropractor, or at least that’s when I first knew it was happening. There were two small knobby things growing under my skin, between my spine and my shoulder blades. I felt a chill as the doctor chuckled and said, “It looks like you’re sprouting wings.” I still wonder how he didn’t notice the truth of his own words crackling through the air.
So now I have wings. They fold up nicely, smoothly, like butterfly wings, only made of something less crushable—like silk, only organic to me, skin? I don’t know. Something. But they’re beautiful and they’re strong. They say if you wish for something hard enough it can come true. Well, whoever “they” are, they just might be right. I haven’t figured out yet why I have the wings, or where they could have possibly originated. How did I come to have wings? I am a woman, not a butterfly, and unlike Peter Parker, I was not bitten by a radioactive butterfly or shit on by a radioactive bird…I just have wings. And I use them to soar. Usually in the night sky, because, well…how could I explain them? And I’m sure someone would want to study me. Put me in a cage and do tests and take blood samples. And who knows? Maybe there has been a change in my DNA. Maybe I’m evolving.
Maybe I’m not alone.

(and yes, I'm hoping to turn that into something More.)