Lucky, Lucky Star

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I knew I picked the name of this blog for a reason

I am one lucky little star.

I knew it was a mistake to start talking about my marital issues on here, and I waited a very long time to do it.
I waited until I thought we were at a final decision.
3 rounds of back-and-forth later, I have realized that nothing is final in life, and I'll stop trying to make each step the last.
We have turned a corner, had new insight, gained fresh resolve.
I have hope.
I don't want to jinx anything by saying too much, but we are on the mend.
I am going to stop blogging for a while, stop focusing inward for a while, and just see how this goes.
I have life to live, and a partner who is finally ready and willing to live a joyful life with me.
And I think it's time to make some changes in my routine.

I'm sure I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, thank you all so much for letting me see into your lives and for peering into mine.

hugs all around.


Thursday, July 12, 2007


Book group was lovely.
The forest fires are making the skies all grey; I hope they burn out soon--poor dear trees!!

Ok, I have just a minute before my friend arrives, but here are a few cool pictures from my trip--

Little boys who climbed every unstable rocky surface they could find:

A new bridge:

A fine example of the hilarious signage on the tortuous Maine roads:

...wait a second...we're going north and south at THE SAME TIME???

My light house, Owl's Head Light:

I lived in Owl's Head until I was 8, then moved a whole, entire TWO MILES away to South Thomaston for the duration of my youth.
My parents still live there and all of Owl's Head is swarmed with the extended family on my father's side (my Mom is a California Girl).
I asked my mom to see our geneology, but we never got around to it.
The gist is that my ancestors settled that cove in 1700 something.

Gotta run!
love you guys!


Sunday, July 08, 2007

The weather has taken a turn for the worse, but we're still having a great time.
There was a hail storm the other day, and for a minute I thought I was in Utah.
We've been on boats and to lighthouses and had seafood and fireworks and family fun OUT THE ASS--the ass, I tell ya!

I have been content to be away from everything, blog included.
There have been a couple of all-night conversations, culminating in a final decision.
We spent 5 hours in the car, drifting aimlessly.
We snaked our way through the night from the southern tip of Penobscot Bay to the northern edge and every road in between.
The fog held us in and the roads slipped away behind us as we hammered out the details of our new lives.
But it was like flipping a switch and suddenly--with nothing more to lose--we were able to speak freely, both of us.
It was unreal.
And then we came back to my parents' house and collapsed into the squishy double bed that feels like it's half the size of our king...
and he had reached the point in his mind and heart where he was willing to put it all behind us and start loving me again.

So here we are.
And the airline called on Friday to say that they had no pilot for our Sunday flight and we would be rescheduled to the Monday flight.
Yay for an extra day of vacation!!!

We caught up with some of my high school friends last night, one of whom I hadn't seen since we were IN high school!
We had a lovely time catching up on each other's lives and I am glad to see that the one girl isn't spending nearly as much time partying as she was the first couple of years she moved back here.
We went to the bar and it was weird to not run into anyone I knew.
There were a handful of men who graduated 2 or 3 years ahead of us, and one girl who is the younger sister of one of our friends, but that was it for recognizing people.
That mostly just makes me glad for the other people...

We are, as always, considering what it would take for us to be able to move here,
and, as always, I'm sure the plans will fade from our minds as soon as we return to the desert-in-the-mountains.

BBQ with my cousins today, then packing up for our late morning departure from the house (afternoon flight).
I think the kids are all ready to get back to their routine a little bit, but they've had so much fun here and have really behaved quite well.
It's their birthday next Saturday and then they have a week of day camp--mommy's REAL vacation!
I think I'll spend the entire day on the treadmill for the whole week...ugh...
stress makes me eat, and this has been a pretty damn stressful year.
So back off.

I have lost several cool poems in the cluttered folds of my grey matter, but maybe I'll retrieve them some day.


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Time is standing still, from where I stand

Can you see me?
As the world spins by?
I am getting dizzy in this foggy, swirling bubble of stasis...

I am having a wonderful time here in Maine.
The first few days were kind of hazy because of the anesthesia still in my system, the jet laggy affect of getting up at 4am for our flight and the way it all fit together feels like I stepped out of my Utah Life.
I feel like that Life is back there, waiting for me, on pause like a forgotten movie in the DVD player...
I want to stay here for a few more weeks, at least.
I want to spend 35 more days at the beach with my little princes.
I want to eat 12 more lobsters and 8 more donuts.
I want to form relationships with these people again--
my cousins, who were my big sisters from when I was born until I was 8, running around in the woods, building a treehouse, teaching me to ride my bike, playing game after game--board games, improv games, dance routines--and ice skating, sledding, and building snow forts.
I want to be close to these many McMahans, who are part of my heritage.
I want to have more than one evening with my best friends--those I've known since I was tiny.
I belong here.
Utah fucking blows.
I hate that stupid, plastic, shallow, easy place.
I want to see it from a distance, not be drowning in it...everything looks better from a distance.

The trip has been fun so far and there are lots of fun things on deck to fill the rest of the week.

We spent the morning on my brother's lobster boat today.
Learning about the process, watching, and trying to stay out of the way.
It's still early in the season so they were just setting out a small load of traps,
but I helped fill bait bags and they answered all our weird questions with grace.

I have lots of pictures, which I'll be posting as soon as I can get them uploaded.
This afternoon we are taking the kids on a helicopter ride above the bay.
The little guys are OBSESSED with airplanes and jets and helicopters.
It should be a memorable experience for them.
Tomorrow we're doing small town parade and a family bbq at the ocean (at MY beach!) and then watching the Transformers movie and going to the awesome small town fireworks.
I love this place.

I am going to go shower (I smell like dead fish!) and take a little nap.

I would say I miss you guys, but in my mind you're all just out there, frozen in place until I get back anyway....