Mondays are for Telling Tales
My tales, to be exact.I just feel like shouting my entire history for all the world to hear.
You thought you knew it all, didn't you?
Well, mostly.
Here is where I want to publish my Emancipation Proclamation--
my freedom from my self-induced imprisonment.
I am on a journey, and at last I feel like I am the captain of this soul of mine, and not simply a passenger.
I gave up the driver's seat, it was not taken from me,
but I have only just realized this--
like Dorothy when the Wizard tells her she had had the power to go home all along.
I have so many words and so many dreams
and so many shoes.
I feel like mixing them all up and tossing them in the air
to see where they all land.
--big black boots with a fluttering, iridescent dream of flying sticking out the top
--delicate black heels with tufts of black letters, the words of a poem shooting out of its sole
--my favorite gym shoes with a giant scroll rolled up and tied together with their laces--a scroll wherein my dream of becoming a Real True Writer is detailed in fine caligraphy
I think it would make a beautiful mess.
I don't even like shoes all that much.
I was just trying to be silly...
and perhaps the Jerky Boys inspired me.
But whatever the case, I feel the need to confess and repent and start over.
Here.
With this blog thing that I do.
I want you all to know where I've been and what I've been doing so that you will understand.
So that you can judge me for yourselves.
I crave judgement.
I crave innocence.
And innocence only comes from complete disclosure.
Stress can melt away from the grip it has on my heart if I tell everyone
every
thing.
It's the only way to live, I think.
But.
I got so caught up in my own secrets that I didn't have anything to share here.
I was so afraid of sharing THIS, the real me, with my husband that I nearly lost him.
And I may yet lose him.
But as long as I am being true to myself then I have nothing to fear.
I allowed his paranoia and suspicion to contort me and make me ugly,
and then I blamed him for it.
I allowed his indifference for things I cherished to cut me deeply.
I allowed my own need to share every interest with the man I love to turn me away from the one who loves me most.
I made that stupid, rookie mistake of focusing on the negatives instead of the positives.
Which kind of baffles me since I so naturally focus on the positives that I can't even write a bad review of a bad play.
I dropped the ball that is My Life.
I continually sought for him to change, when all I needed to do was stop worrying about our mismatched interests and hold on to my own passionate attitudes toward the things in life that thrill me and move me and feed my soul and to refuse to allow him to indulge in his own insecurities.
Everything could have been different if I had been strong from the start.
I hesitate to be more explicit because I know that there are "real" people who read this (at least on occasion) who have no business knowing the details of my life.
I am ready to own myself again.
I am ready to Be.
I am ready to face whatever needs facing, and to live my best life.
I am buoyed by superhuman strength--
something coming from so deep within me that it bears the smell of the ocean on the other side of the world.
And why am I sharing all this with you dear fellas?
Because I'm on a Truth Roll, that's why!
...it is kind of like a Tuna Roll, but requires much less wasabi.
I guess I can't do full disclosure here, but saying all of this sure felt good.
And now you guys can bear witness, like a bunch of religious zealots, that I am going to live MY life from now on.
And maybe it means that I will connect again with that muse of mine, buried somewhere in the darkest depths of me,
or maybe it means that I will stop writing altogether and go do something USEFUL with my life.
heh.
As if.
Today is a beautiful day and I am going to go finish enjoying it. |
posted by Bored Housewife at
10:29 AM
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